i’ve been down the rabbit hole

down the rabbit hole

If I am going to (theoretically) start blogging on the (semi) regular again, I should probably start with an update of where I’ve been and what’s been going on…

The easy answer is, of course, school.

But in all honesty, it’s so much more difficult than that.

When I made the decision to go back to school, I knew it would be hard and I had a pretty good idea that it would be exhausting.  What I never even considered was that I would be terrible at it.

And, yet, here I am.

My practicum has not been the most positive of experiences, to say the least.  I’ve had my difficulties over the last 8 months – I make more than my fair share of mistakes and I still struggle with some of the basic concepts of taking x-rays.  Some people tell me that this is normal and everyone has their ups and downs, But I’ve also been told by other people that I won’t graduate and I should just quit.

And believe me when I say that I really really wanted to.

I would come home from school (work) and cry and beg Phil to just, please, let me quit.  And my sweet, steady husband would listen, give me hug and wait for my good sense to return – which it inevitably would…until the next wave of self-doubt came crashing over me.

I was supposed to be following my dreams but, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn’t measuring up.

So I withdrew from everyone around me.

I stopped seeing my friends and I even stopped talking to Phil about it.  That just seemed so much easier than burdening everyone with my overwhelming unhappiness and disappointment, and it was sure as hell better than having to answer the dreaded question  “So, how are things going?”

I stopped writing here – this blog is called Joyful Follies, not Wallow With Me.  Nobody wants to read about self-doubt, self-pity or self-loathing on an even not-very-regular basis. So rather than fill post after post with that sad-sack bullshit, or spew some fake sunshine all over the page, I just curled up into a metaphorical ball and shut the world out.

But that ends now!

I had a fantastic Christmas vacation and the new year holds new hopes for me and a new promise of success. I haven’t quit – I’m still chugging along like that stupid little engine that just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone (that’s how that story goes, right?) – and I will graduate in August with the rest of my class.

I’m back, Baby!

4 thoughts on “i’ve been down the rabbit hole

  1. Go Robyn! You can do it!!
    I also went back to school last year. Did quite well. But I have effed up BAD 3x at work, stupid, stupid mistakes. I know how you feel. It will get better. Chug chug (little engine – not shotgunning a beer!)

  2. Thanks for your honesty, Robyn. Kudos to you for making the leap, to try something different certainly took alot of courage. Be gentle with yourself & celebrate the small ‘wins’. Put earplugs on to silence the negative comments around you; this is your journey. If down the road you find this field isn’t for you, allow yourself to make a course correction. Those who really care about you, want you to be happy whatever you choose to do.
    warm hugs, joveena

  3. It is so much harder to try something new when we’re older. It’s not just because our brain capacity isn’t what it used to be (which is true; it’s full of past accomplishments and current to-do lists and grown-up problems), but it’s also due to you measuring your current challenges with past successes. “I suck at this, so therefore I shouldn’t be doing it.” In our 20’s, it was normal to feel out of place and unsure, but there was a faith that those were normal feelings for a young person and your aptitude will grow. In our 30’s/40’s/50’s, it’s so uncomfortable to be the new person in your field, and you allow self-doubt to take over your life.

    Don’t be afraid of the feelings, but don’t allow them to conquer you. Every good thing in life usually requires sweat and tears (especially at this point). So go out and kick some ass – including self-doubt’s ass.

  4. ROBYN!!!!! So glad to see some blog posts from you :) No matter how much self doubt there is you didn’t give up even when it felt like all the odds were against you. Now that is something to be proud of. Kudos to you, the most rewarding things in life are sometimes the hardest to do and you are doing it….in fact you’re almost there!

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