I like to think that I am a pretty unobtrusive seat-mate.
People who sit next to me on a plane or at a hockey game have it pretty sweet. I’m not a fidgeter, I don’t shake my foot, or smack my gum, or get up to pee every 5 minutes. I sit still, share the armrest and mind my own business.
Unfortunately, this is just not good enough for some people.
As part of Phil and my annual Oscar movie binge,* we went to see Silver Linings Playbook. By the time the movie started the theatre was about 3/4 full, when 2 old grannies strutted in and squeezed into the 2 seats between us and the next couple over. I gave Phil a quick eye roll** and focused my attention back on the movie.
It wasn’t too long after that, that I noticed the old biddy next to me give me the sideways glare.
I quick checked…I wasn’t hogging the arm rest, I wasn’t accidentally kicking her, and I hadn’t taken my shoes off. What was her problem? I shrugged it off and turned back to the movie screen. As I dipped my hand into the popcorn bag and brought a single kernel to my mouth, she did it again. This time, her annoyed glance was accompanied by an irritated huff.
Wait…she was annoyed that I was eating popcorn? At a movie?? Its not like I was clipping my toenails at brunch.
I grabbed another kernel and chewed it slowly, methodically, and watched her out of the side of my eye. She huffed again, and leaned forward in her seat.
That was all the indication I needed.
Now, I stand by my earlier statement about me being a good seat-mate, but when someone becomes so astonishingly annoyed by something so commonplace as eating popcorn at a movie theatre, I will play that shit up and be the most annoying popcorn-eating seat neighbour the world has ever seen!
I shook the popcorn up, I rustled around in the bag, I shoved as many kernels in my mouth as I could and chewed louder than humanly possible. Before long, she was actually sitting with her finger stuck in her ear and was expelling such loud bursts of air that I thought she might hyperventilate.
The only problem was that I was so full, I was forcing each kernel into my mouth for the sole pleasure of annoying this woman. I had to stop. I would burst if I ate one more piece of popcorn.
But thankfully, like a gift from God, I have a very fidgety husband. And just when I could not longer irritate this woman, Phil picked up where I left off. Completely unaware of the peeved lady next to me, he started to chew on his straw.***
It. was. AWESOME!
Except now we have to go see Silver Linings playbook again, because I couldn’t tell you what the hell happened on the screen. But I know it could not have been better than the show that woman gave me.
Totally worth it.
*We don’t see a movie all year and then see as many nominated films as we can during the weeks between the Golden Globes and the Oscars
**because, what, there was nowhere else for them to sit?!
***he had no idea the level of annoyed this woman was, he is just naturally irritating