pour my heart out – maintain the perimeter

When I was 18, my Mother told me “Never count on anyone else because they’ll only let you down…”

I had gone out with some friends and they were supposed to give me a ride home at the end of the night, but by the time my curfew rolled around everyone was far too drunk and I was left, stranded, and waiting for a cab.  When I crept in the house, long past my curfew, my Mom was sitting up waiting for me.  And when I explained what had happened, that was what she told me – “Never count on anyone else because they’ll only let you down…”

And the saddest part, is that she was pretty much bang-on.

She taught me that nobody has my best interest in mind except for me.  She also taught me, “Never put your trust in someone because they will just end up hurting you.”

Sadly, she was kind of right about this too.

But where my Mom was perpetually focused on the negative, I do try to focus on the positive and see the good in people.

Sure, someone I counted on might let me down, but people are busy focusing on what’s best for them and can’t always worry about what I want/need.  And that’s how it should be.

And while that’s true – Mom’s words still stick with me.

I’ve always been kind of loner, which is for many reasons – I am very awkward and uncomfortable meeting/talking to new people.  I have always struggled with self-esteem and thought that nobody would like/remember/care about me anyway.  And I always thought that I was the only person who would never let me down.

I think that’s part of the reason why I blog – I love the connections that I make through blogging, and I love how I can truly be myself and am accepted for it…but its also nice to have that disconnect.  I never really have to deal with anyone face to face.  I don’t have to worry about being awkward, or people not really liking me, because its just over the internet.  And the only way people can let me down is by not posting.

When my niece, B, was little, she was terribly independent – and anytime someone tried to help her do something she would yell, “I can do it my-own-self!”.  And I have since adopted that mantra – I can do it my-own-self*.

And since I was 18, I have never really counted on anyone but Wilzie.  And he always comes through. 

He comes through in ways I never realized I needed.

And it’s because of him that I know it doesn’t matter if the whole world shits on me; I know that he will always have my back.

And that’s all I really need.

*I try not to focus on the fact that I live my life by the petulant rantings of a (then) 4-year old, I prefer to think that she was wise beyond her years…

0 thoughts on “pour my heart out – maintain the perimeter

  1. :-) I’m smiling because I also think your niece was wise beyond her years. Of course, I am also fiercely independent. It took me a while to trust that Musicman, my husband, could not only be depended on but would truly always have my back.

    GREAT post!

  2. I’m going to give you a little history lesson. Awesome is the child of the Greek God Awkward. I’m sure there’s another way to spell it with triangles and circular shapes or something. Regardless, just thought you should know.

  3. It is nice to have at least 1 person that you can count on. I wish that my mom would’ve told me the same thing that yours did. It would’ve saved me a lot of heartache and trouble throughout my life. The only people that I can trust fully now are my husband and my mom. I may have a little bit of a wall up when it comes to friends. I have been hurt too much in the past.

  4. (I’m having a very difficult time concentrating because the chick next to me is crunching on an endless bag of potato chips, but I’m going to try to make some sense here.)

    J once forgot to pick me up at the train station. He fell asleep on the couch and didn’t hear the phone ring…all 27 times I called. I ended up walking home…which is 2 miles and all uphill (not exaggerating). It was also freezing and I was wearing shoes that gave me blisters. When I finally started speaking to him again, I tried to explain that I wasn’t mad because I had to walk or because I got blisters. I was mad because he knew it was a big deal for me to trust him and depend on him and he’d let me down. It took him a long time to understand it and it took me a long time to get over it…and I still pull it out in the middle of a big fight.

    Thank you for this post. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

  5. I’ve learned through experience that you can’t trust anyone, and in my case that unfortunately includes my family. But when you finally learn to trust yourself, even if it means that you will make mistakes and will need to self-correct, it is empowering and freeing. That enables you to know how to trust your spouse/partner.

    The north makes it hard to meet people. Move to Texas – super friendly and NICE.

  6. I haven’t had enough coffee yet to formulate my thoughts correctly (6:10am and one sip down) but I will say that with the exception of a handful of people in my life, I agree with these sentiments whole heartedly. Sad but true. I think it’s important that we look after ourselves, and then try to look after other people as much as possible as well (but some people never bother).
    A friend of mine gave me a little test once… he asked me how far the universe goes to my right, I said forever, he said to my left, I said forever, he said up, I said forever, and he said down, and I said forever… so then he said, “well doesn’t that make you the centre of YOUR universe”. Why yes, yes it does.
    (but I will say that the handful of people who do look after me rock and have held my hand through some serious crap, and I like to think that I’m the same for them too).

  7. Well my dad pretty much had the same philosophy that your mom had (along with….hope for the best but expect the worst) and my mom did her best to undo all of the “parenting” that my dad did. But somehow, I still grew into an adult whose mantra is “I can do it my own self.” Which is why I am stressed out, exhausted, and at wit’s end most of the time. I don’t trust anyone to do anything for me. Even Neal. Because even he pulls the sheets too far over to one side when he makes the bed. Someday, I will have to let this go because when it really matters, when I really need to depend on him for something important, he has never let me down.

    What’s amazing to me is how bloggers are supposedly so self-absorbed and self-involved and yet in reality, a majority of us are loners who prefer solitude to a dance party. Someone needs to do a study on that.

    Also, I’m all caught up now. Yay me. Only 192 unread posts to go!

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