buffin’ your muffin

I love Groupon.

Groupon (and the bajillion sites like it) saves me money on things that I already spend money on (restaurants, hair cuts, massages), and allows me to treat myself to things that otherwise would be out of my reach (pedicures, mostly).

But Groupon also constantly tries to sweet talk me in to buying things that I otherwise would not have known that I needed.

Like laser treatments, microdermabrasion, and…vajazzling.

Vajazzling.

As in, bedazzling your vagina.

{Thanks Google}

Seriously? This is a thing?

This is how the waxing/vajazzling procedure was described by the fine folks at Groupon (on Mother’s day):

A Brazilian wax includes a choice of hard wax, warm wax, sugaring, or threading to erase unwanted wisps without using more complex methods such as lying to stubble about its postpubescent age. The technique leaves follicles free of fuzz and the skin surface gently exfoliated. Postsmoothing, a waxing wizard delicately vajazzles the Brazilian zone, using Swarovski crystals to create an attractive design that generously grants hopeful underpants an opportunity to wish upon the stars.”

I am obviously not the target demographic for this procedure, because I don’t find it too complex to lie to my stubble about its advanced age…”Yo, vag hair! I hate to break it to you, but you’re old! Deal with it.” And the only thing my underpants are hopeful for is to not get sweat on too vigorously during my workouts and to be able to stay out of my ass-crack for most of the day.

I would think that walking around with crystals* hot glued to your lady-flower would be…annoying. Wouldn’t it snag on your underwear, or on your partner if he gets too close? Wilzie would not be impressed if his man-parts got all scratched up from my fancy-lady vajayjay jewellery.

*Do you think this is what Swarovski had in mind for his life’s work?

And I get that vajazzling sounds all cool and trendy, but why don’t they just call it what it is?

Labia sparkles.

Clitoris glitter.

Vulva tinsel.

Cervix sequins.

{Thanks Google}

Is this really something that I need to worry about now? That my cootch isn’t twinkly enough? The beauty industry already makes so much money from feeding off of our insecurities: our hair isn’t the right colour, our thighs have dimples, our faces need to be paralyzed to look beautiful. And now our vaginas don’t reflect enough light? I don’t know if I need my hoo-hoo to be projecting rainbows on the wall when the sunlight hits it. They say that one of the benefits of vajazzling is to help mask unsightly bumps and redness; call me crazy, but you know what else does that?

HAIR!

{Thanks Google}

14 thoughts on “buffin’ your muffin

  1. I am grossed out by vajazzling

    But it’s a free world so do what you want right?

    I think they same people who do vajazzling have giant breast implants and fake tans

    heeeeeee

    that is all

  2. I have a blogger friend that is all about vajazzling. I even won a vajazzle set from her for a giveaway. It is still in my sock drawer. It kind of freaks me out a bit. I would be afraid that the crystals would fall off and somehow get up in me and then I would get an infection and blah blah blah. I have issues.

  3. This is just beyond the beyonds! THe only people who have any business having their vajayjay’s bedazzled are individuals that grind poles and give lap dances for a living. Redic!

  4. I’m thinking that the people who vajazzle probably don’t wear underwear…so the underwear snagging thing is probably not an issue.

    And I think I read somewhere…maybe that Jennifer Love Hewitt was all vajazzled and her boyfriend cut his tongue on it. Or something gross like that.

  5. Is a woman’s nether region not entertaining enough that it must be decorated with bling?
    What’s next? Dyed public hair in a rainbow of day-glo colors? Feathering? Strobe lights?
    And why aren’t men jumping on this bandwagon and dressing up their goods? There must be some penis-decoration going on out there somewhere.

    1. Uh, balldazzling? No thanks.
      Besides, I’ve got enough worries trying to keep my OTHER head looking presentable!

  6. As I read through your comments, I’m a little sad that I, clearly, am the only one who has never heard of this. Which makes me ancient or under a rock or both. I have Swarovkski crystals. In my house. Right now. And yet, I have no desire to hot glue them to my flesh. However, I am always on the lookout for business opportunities so for a small fee, I would be happy to hot glue them to yours.

  7. There are no words…

    And all that time my Mom was worried about me wearing clean underwear in case I was in an accident…imagine the poor paramedic who stumbles upon this!

    “I can’t get a pulse…but the nether region is simply dazzling!”

  8. I am equally shocked and disgusted. How do people come up with these things?! This is taking vanity to a while new level.

  9. Yeah, when I first heard of this phenomenon I thought it was a joke. Then, I learned it was real. I have always been deeply disturbed by it.

  10. Vajazzling? Really? Never heard of it, but with the one episode I’ve seen of ‘Jersey Shore’ (it’s not any less tacky with Italian subtitles by the way) this brings home the increasing trash factor of our culture.

    Maybe the more time I spend abroad the more insipid we seem (at least in the US); or maybe I’m just getting old, because I sound eerily like my grandmother 30 years ago.

    Being that this is the morning of my “Spa day of Bliss” which I always plan after traveling, I’ll have to check in with the fine ladies at my day spa to see what extra services they offer to pretty up my hoo-hah, particularly if they’ve ever heard of such a thing. I’m guessing not. Laser? Check. Microderm? Check. Been there, done it. And let my girlfriends talk me into the Brazilian. Lesson learned and ouch. But I digress … again.

    But love the way you presented this topic: Favorite terms used in this post? “Ladyflower” and “man-parts got all scratched up from my fancy-lady vajayjay jewellery.” Seriously.

    You rock.

  11. My honest to goodness, first reaction was, WTF?

    And then I started thinking about the practicality of it. My hanky panky fancy undies would be ripped to shreds.

    And then I thought about the other things I could with my money…like buy crystal earrings.

    Finally, I wondered what my husband would think if I dazzled him with my bedazzlement. He would probably burst out laughing. And then be scared of scarring his manarea.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *