I love Groupon.
Groupon (and the bajillion sites like it) saves me money on things that I already spend money on (restaurants, hair cuts, massages), and allows me to treat myself to things that otherwise would be out of my reach (pedicures, mostly).
But Groupon also constantly tries to sweet talk me in to buying things that I otherwise would not have known that I needed.
Like laser treatments, microdermabrasion, and…vajazzling.
As in, bedazzling your vagina.
Seriously? This is a thing?
This is how the waxing/vajazzling procedure was described by the fine folks at Groupon (on Mother’s day):
“A Brazilian wax includes a choice of hard wax, warm wax, sugaring, or threading to erase unwanted wisps without using more complex methods such as lying to stubble about its postpubescent age. The technique leaves follicles free of fuzz and the skin surface gently exfoliated. Postsmoothing, a waxing wizard delicately vajazzles the Brazilian zone, using Swarovski crystals to create an attractive design that generously grants hopeful underpants an opportunity to wish upon the stars.”
I am obviously not the target demographic for this procedure, because I don’t find it too complex to lie to my stubble about its advanced age…”Yo, vag hair! I hate to break it to you, but you’re old! Deal with it.” And the only thing my underpants are hopeful for is to not get sweat on too vigorously during my workouts and to be able to stay out of my ass-crack for most of the day.
I would think that walking around with crystals* hot glued to your lady-flower would be…annoying. Wouldn’t it snag on your underwear, or on your partner if he gets too close? Wilzie would not be impressed if his man-parts got all scratched up from my fancy-lady vajayjay jewellery.
*Do you think this is what Swarovski had in mind for his life’s work?
And I get that vajazzling sounds all cool and trendy, but why don’t they just call it what it is?
Is this really something that I need to worry about now? That my cootch isn’t twinkly enough? The beauty industry already makes so much money from feeding off of our insecurities: our hair isn’t the right colour, our thighs have dimples, our faces need to be paralyzed to look beautiful. And now our vaginas don’t reflect enough light? I don’t know if I need my hoo-hoo to be projecting rainbows on the wall when the sunlight hits it. They say that one of the benefits of vajazzling is to help mask unsightly bumps and redness; call me crazy, but you know what else does that?